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Date:2008-05-20 22:57
Subject:desperate
Security:Public

I don't know if anyone will want to really answer. Last time I posted here, I was told to go elsewhere and the other groups just aren't as active and I'd have to wait two weeks for replies, so I decided to try and get some answers here again, but if it's not allowed, please delete the post. :)

We've been TTC for 4 mos. and I'm trying to find ways to boost my fertility. It would be pointless to ask someone who wasn't pregnant, right? Anyway, I've heard that tea helps. I'm not sure if it's a specific type of tea or not. We're also going to try Pre-seed. And I'm thinking of maybe getting some Fertilaid. Have any of these helped any of you at all?

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Date:2008-05-19 00:30
Subject:PROVERA!
Security:Public

Hey, guys! How is everyone?
Okay, here's my question to you all. I started Provera on 27 April 2008 to regulate my periods and ovulation cycle (not DEPO Provera). That's what the doctor told me anyway. But some people are telling me it doesn't REGULATE your periods, it just kick starts them for you. I don't understand. Anyway, I'm sticking with it's regulating my cycles b/c that is what my doctor said. The thing is, I started on 27 Apr, day 1 of my cycle like she said, and stopped on day 10, like she also said to do. Then I started again on day 16 like she told me to, and now I'm spotting today, on day 21 when I'm not due for a period for exactly one week (on a 28 day cycle which is what my doctor said Provera should do for me.) What's going on?

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Date:2008-04-11 09:30
Subject:
Security:Public

Sorry I keep posting! :( Umm . . . has anyone used the clearblue fertility monitor? how does it work and was it accurate?

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Date:2007-11-25 18:36
Subject:A Sudden Inspiration - The Longing To Be "Unknown"
Security:Public

It's very often that we all wish that we were strangers in everyone's eyes. I admit . . . I am a criminal when it comes to this. When you're a stranger to someone, they don't know you, have no opinion of you, and can't think ill of you. They only see your face, your eyes, it's dark mystery. Your smile and your false happiness. That's the beauty of a "perfect stranger"; you can make anything up about them and your mind is convinced that it's the truth. You draw a picture of perfection and stick to it. And then as we get to know them, that picture is erased, redrawn, erased, and redrawn, over and over again.

 That's why the "spark" in relationships fade. We go into a relationship with a picture of "the one" in our mind and we force these qualities upon that person unknowingly, and later when we start to know, actually know the other, we think they've changed when really . . . they haven't. You've merely drawn a different picture, an actual life portrait, not a fantasy drawing. We all want someone to think of us as someone we're not. It's more interesting that way. We don't want people to know who we really are. 

This quote was my inspiration: "To those of you who think you know me, I forgive you." In some cases, we aren't fully known, but I think most of that is we're more misunderstood than "unknown". We have misconceptions towards others.  Unknown is meeting someone on the street and merely glancing towards them and moving on. That's true mystery. But we don't care about that mystery unless we are drawn to them. If we are drawn, that's when the mystery becomes enticing. And with one conversation, the drawing starts. You can't have one conversation and know someone, but you begin your "work of art" so to speak, the perfect person in your head. Now . . . misconception. That is different. That is knowing someone, but taking the person that you KNOW they are and completely changing them into someone else in your mind, but not knowing that you do this . . . 

Okay . . . I'm done. For now. I just had to sing a lullaby to my 22 year old husband. Haha. He's my big baby sometimes. *cuddle cuddle*

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

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Date:2007-11-13 00:56
Subject:Life for Dummies
Security:Public

 

Oh . . . where to begin? Can I say he inspires me? Sure. Technically, he did. It's not that he expects too much out of the world. Or maybe he is. Maybe he expects too much of a world's population that's slowly tumbling downhill. People have changed so much to the point where most of them are just so bad that we don't bother to deal with them. For those of you anti-socials, I'm sure you understand. Like, he said no one cares about knowledge. I've said that. To people knowledge is in a textbook. We need a textbook on life. A book for everything. Life for Dummies. Literally.

They have this thing in Texas called the TAKS test, also known as the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills. For those of you in high school, you know what I'm talking about and they teach everything based on that test. And then after you take it . . . you don't remember it. It doesn't matter. You just know that you have to pass it to graduate, and well . . . really, who doesn't want to graduate? We'll do whatever to get out of that hell hole, right? So, we study it, but to us, it's not something worth absorbing; it's not worth our time. It's textbook crap. Then there are those who are perfectly satisfied with high school; they'd stay there forever if they could. They don't care. There are lots of people like that.

I wish I knew what my point was. Maybe it's that we've been in this world long enough to figure out that it disappoints. Why expect to get something more? That's for afterwards. Why disappoint yourself? People are cruel. I think I just understood something about him and I do it too but I'm just not outspoken about it. We find ways to satisfy ourselves. Here's a question though. We're so busy living up to our own standards, but are we living up to God's standards? Do I live up to his standards as his wife? I wish I knew. I want to call him now and ask him. Apparently, I have questions and two very important relationships to work on.

I'm going to assign homework, children. :) Today or tomorrow, when you step outside . . . do look for beauty in a person. Beauty in people is artificial. It's altered in some way. Don't get me wrong; some people are completely satisfied with themselves and the way they look and those are the people who notice something more than the fact that that girl over there has too many split ends. Those are the people who don't count on people to show them something wonderful or as hubby would put it, "Spectacular." Sometimes, silence is beautiful. We don't need to hear words sometimes. Maybe sometimes, all we need is to stop and notice that the world itself is beautiful. That people don't exist. That only you do. That only I do. Only we do. Why let those who bring you down in? Why let them tarnish your beautiful mind? I want that beautiful mind back. You have a beautiful mind.

But before you come to any conclusions, try walking in my shoes.


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Date:2007-11-08 03:26
Subject:A theatrical excitement!
Security:Public

 

Today has been a long, eventful day. I got the truth out there somehow. I let my soul fly. I discovered Allyptic. Female fronted metal is frikkin' addicting.

Nightwish's new album needs to be acted out on stage. Seriously. I actually REALLY listened to it yesteday while making a worthless trip to Wichita. (What a waste of almost 7 hours of my precious life.) But I listened to this and I could see it all on stage in my head and it was absolutely fantabulous the way it played out. It makes me wanna go and find Annete Ozlon (the lead) and just . . . make sweet love to her all night. She's the new lead of Nightwish. I knew it couldn't be the same person. Vocals just sound so different, but it makes a world of difference; it fits the lyrics and story pergectly. I just got so excited thinking about it being on stage, but knew that it would probably never happen. Then I thought . . . well, maybe they put this out there so that someone would find it and be like "hey, this would make a good show. Let's do it." I need money for it. I'm in total theatre mode lately. I have a really good reason now. Read on. :D

My car was almost towed, and I don't recall what happened between the moments of me being at the top of the staircase looking down at the parking lot in complete horror at my car and me being in front of the wrecker man pleading with him not to take my car. All I remember is handing him five 20s and telling him to pocket it, hire a hooker, I don't care just as long as I can have my car and not spit out 200+ dollars out to have it back. The thing is that there were no signs telling me I couldn't park there. I checked, believe me. They have handicapped spots with signs stating that there was a 100 fine for parking there but that was about it. I searched. I'm gonna frikkin' get my money back. Ha.

In other news, I'M GONNA BE ON STAGE!!!!!!!! Apparently, Doc at LCU was informed of me sort of and so now I'm being asked to be in a show that will be performed in December. YES!!!! I'm so excited. SOOOO EXCITED. The funny thing is that I don't even go to LCU. HA! Oh well. :) Theatre is theatre. I'll take what I can get. It's just ironic that I was thinking about it this weekend. I really miss the stage; it's been over two years. I listened to Wicked, sang to Wicked, and was proud of how well I did so. :P If we're our own worst critic, I must have done soemthing right, right? But I thought to myself, it's 10 pm, I'm driving back to Lubbock ALONE, so what else should I do? Singing was logical and good practice. Ha.

 

I take back what I said about Allyptic. They suck now. Nightwish still rocks my socks.

Au revoir, mes amis!

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Date:2007-11-06 16:04
Subject:So tired. Rant.
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

I got a call this morning. At 6 am. "You have to come here for the appointment." So, I left at 10ish. Mind you, the drive was fantastic, but that faded as I got closer. The only thing I like about driving is that it gives me time to think. To put things into perspective, to work up long monologues that I sometimes want to say to Jonathan. They say what it is I'm feeling, but then I get here and don't really have the right moment to say what it is I have to say. For one, I feel like I'll be interrupted. But that's the whole point of my "speech" to him.

He underestimates me. I don't know how to say that to him nicely. I gets that's nice enough, right? He thinks I have too much emotion, I feel too much. That's just who I am. I feel. And I don't care what he thinks of that really. As I drove here, I noticed some of the leaves on trees were changing color and that the clouds in the sky had that layered effect. And that it was cold. All of those things scream love to me. The layers of the clouds are like years. Each layer represents something beautiful. I don't think he'd understand that, but we're all misunderstood somehow. God romances me through nature. It's not that this world is ugly; it's just that the people in it are. Jon said something about our eyes being opened and that it was time for us all to open our minds. Does he not know that my mind is wide open? I agree with him though. I think; I contemplate. I just don't share because no one else would care to hear. How many people out there care about the way the air smells? How I can tell when the seasons will soon change? We don't care about personal opinions and thoughts; we only care about general facts because it requires no thinking. We merely accept all of this. We know that we were born, that we grew, and that we must work to survive. We know that we get old. That we die. It's general knowledge and people think that's all they need. Why put extra effort into something that won't pay off, right?

There are those who feel who wish they didn't and I admit sometimes, I wish I didn't care as much as I do. Then there are those that are completely in lack of emotion who hate it. It tortures them. It's like longing to feel is the only feeling they know. Then, you have those who do feel, hide it, and pretend because they are afraid. They've been hurt too many times. I said this last night, but without suffering there'd be no compassion. I feel. It's who I am. I can't just change it.

I'm tired of pretending sometimes. I feel like I have to be someone else . . . that girl who is always happy. Strong. I am strong; I know this but I'm tired of being who I'm not for other people. I am who I am. But for someone to think that I don't think, that I'm just a regular old person who thinks that all she has to do is pay taxes and die, that she doesn't contemplate . . . you are completely wrong. I have ambitions. I have ideas. But sharing them with a world of people who have no where to go but to the bar, to Mexico, there's no understanding there. There's plenty of criticism. That's all we can do because we all have our guards up. We put those walls up because we learn from adolesence that we have to protect ourselves from this horrible planet. From the people in it. But always look up to your superiors. I don't have superiors. Sometimes I feel like Jon is trying to be my superior. He doesn't care about what I have to say; he just assumes I have nothing to say. But it seems that I always have to shut up and listen when he speaks his mind. So he knows nothing of mine. It used to be where he'd express an idea and he'd say, "So, what do you think of that?" We'd stop and talk about it and move on. But my opinion doesn't matter anymore. I always get shot down by anything I say. His eyes are open, his mind is open, but his heart is closed.

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Date:2007-09-30 14:21
Subject:
Security:Public

I can't remember the last time I sat here and watched that flag blow in the breeze. There isn't anything extraordinary about it, and yet here I am entranced by the way it moves. I speak to my husband about the movie he is writing. He writes beautifully and yet there is something so vaguely familar about it. I can sense a certain inspiration I once knew. I found myself jealous of it at one point. Here's to proving that old love doesn't die and that a person who once inspired me  can do it again. Why do I say that? Because here I am and I start thinking about this girl he's writing about. He doesn't even know her. She's become his imaginary siren; he'll never find her. And yet he is just as entranced by her as I am by this flag. You just find yourself gazing unendingly at her as though she were telling you her deepest secrets, as if she were calling out to you. It's all in your head however. I try and remember when I first met him and it seems so hazy. So far away. I try and remember the first kiss. Ah yes . . . there's a glimmer or a spark of sorts. But not one big enough to even conjure the feelings racing through my veins when his lips met mine countless times that night. I think about the way he used to make my heart pound, and come to think about it, my heart pounds as I write this. It does not pound as ferociously as it used to, but does pound nevertheless. Of course, distance can do that to you. Thinking about a lover can do things to your mind. It can make you fantasize like you never have before. I've taken old memories and set them on fire with such lust and passion that half the time I don't know where all of it came from. 

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Date:2007-09-30 00:52
Subject:Separation
Security:Public
Mood: anxious

For the last week, I always seem to find myself fantasizing about the hubs. That's not something I do often either. But it's like every night . . . I always come up with this vivid picture of him in my head, and I love it. It makes me crazy and I miss him more afterwards than I did before. I really should be asleep right now. I haven't seen him in almost three weeks now. Less than a week to go before I see him again. I am desperately hoping that he'll be in Phase 3 again. If not, well, I don't get to act out these fantasies. I probably won't post one tonight. I want to post last nights, but that'll take some doing. And I'm too tired to do anything.

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